The Guilt From The Age of Innocence

 

There was this chubby boy with  black plastic spectacles in my primary school. His demeanour was the butt of jokes in school. He suffered verbal humiliation from everyone, every day, without fail. Sometimes he also has to endure physical abuse from the more emboldened children. Though he was big sized and could take on other children if he wanted to, but he didn’t. I suppose he was mentally broken that he wasn’t able to defend himself. This chap did not complete his high school, nevertheless managed to land a decent job, got married and was blessed with a child. Unfortunately, this poor chap passed on due to a medical complication later on in his life.

Today a good friend of mine from school, shared a few names of our school mates on WhatsApp. Who were these schoolmates, together with the person I mentioned above, there were four others. All these five students have always been subjected to some kind of torment in school.

That reminded me of another person from that list who also did not complete high school, went into drug addiction which eventually led him into petty crime. I met him a couple of times, when I went back to my hometown. On both occasions, he looked very haggard and he was in need of money. I obliged and only later I found out from another friend who caters food to prison, that this chap had been in and out of prison and he had died owing to drug-related health complications.  

One thing I must say, even the teachers at that time, picked on all five of them. Somehow it gave everyone (I mean students) the impunity to do the same to these 5 chaps as well.  

We were after all, 8 year-olds, and as such our actions were based on what we observed. During those day’s teachers were not only our role model but they were regarded next to God.

In Indian philosophy the hierarchy of influence and wisdom starts from, Maatha, Pithaa, Guru, Deivam  (the order is Mother, Father, Teacher and God). I am not deliberately transferring the responsibility to our teachers for our actions, but our actions at that time resembles the analogy of “monkey see, monkey do”.

For us children, we were not at the age of reason to decipher the concept of morality. This was an age we were stepping into the realm of right and wrong. At that age we could not have fully understood all the complicated reasons why something was right or wrong but we were actually beginning to learn about morality and how to make good choices. Hence the observation we made around us influenced our behavior.

Some may ask, what about the moral conditioning at home, doesn’t it affect our behavior?  Well we can’t negate that, but one must understand that the mind of a child works in a compartmentalized manner. According to behavioural psychologists, children between the age of 6 to 9 tend to compartmentalize their thinking by separating different ideas, rules or feelings based on the situation they encounter.

A child may behave differently at home versus school. They may follow a certain code of conduct in school but they may feel a different code of conduct applies at home. Hence they tend to compartmentalize their behavior according to the environment they are in. At this age, children are just beginning to embark on world of morality but their sense of right or wrong would still be based on context. For example, though children may understand that lying is wrong but they may still lie to avoid getting into trouble. Where the child would rationalize the act of lying within the troubling context than it is ok to lie.

It has been over more than 50 years since those tragic events took place but it haunts many of us till today, more so my dear friend who made us to revisit it. But as another friend said, (who happened to be also a victim of such torment) that at some point in our current life we would have paid the consequences of our actions.

This is the age of Kali (Kali Yuga) the end of the 4 cycles of Age, where according to Hindu Cosmology, it is the end of a Mahayuga, before it restarts with a new Mahayuga (another 4 cycles, lasting for about 4,320,000 human years). It is written in the Hindu scriptures, that during the Kali Yuga the consequences of one’s action or Karma will be realized within this lifetime. Based on my own experiences, at different stages in my life, I have gone through certain events that retrospectively when I think, it seems to connect with my past actions. Maybe its coincidence but I always believe that the cosmos works mysteriously.

So the question is, should we carry the burden of guilt for something that we may have committed during the age of innocence? At that age even our brains have not been fully developed and all our actions are based on limited experience, immature emotions, and limited worldview. As a child, making mistakes during our early childhood development is perfectly fine. At that age most of our actions are not based on any specific intent and we may not even fully understand the consequences of our actions.

I sincerely believe that we should practice self-compassion and forgive ourselves for any actions (even being apathetic to some wrong doings) that was committed when we were still too young to envision its implications.

As adults now, perhaps we are able to reflect and contemplate our past actions, so instead of carrying the burden of guilt we can grow and learn from those experiences.  

My friend who was also a victim of such torment said, “for some reason I was never disturbed by it all. I actually laughed at such stupidity. And the Universe has taken care of the actors, and protected me all throughout life”. This is one of the most inspiring and positive reactions that I have ever heard from someone who have been bullied. Perhaps for him, it was one of the experiences that made him resilient and assiduous, which eventually led him to be a successful corporate figure abroad.  

For the remaining 3 guys on the list, no news about them, I just hope and pray that they are doing well, wherever they are.     

ravivarmmankkanniappan@1238150820243.0567° N, 101.5851° E