Under The Tree: FEAR

Sunset at Cinnamon Island, Koggala Lake, Sri Lanka

I was inspired to write this piece after my recent encounter with FEAR in Sri Lanka. A feeling that was long forgotten by me, caught up with my existential self.

I was in a situation recently that should have put me in the utmost fear. But for whatever reason, the fear did not engulf me, instead, my entire focus was channeled towards getting out of that tight spot as best as my roommate and I could. Even after out of danger, my friend and I together with the rest were focused in making sure all of us got out safely.

Well, only after an hour out of harm’s way, my legs started to wobble a little. I guess the adrenaline rush just then was weaning off.

Fear is a natural psychological reaction when one is caught in a situation which they are not in control of. However, what is most important is not so much the fear itself but how we handle this fear. I still remember making a ruckus wanting to go back while watching the movie Gumnaam (a Hindi movie), so my Pappa had to bring me back home, while my Amma and Aunty continued watching the movie. Mind you this happened in 1966 when I was a mere 3year old, and I can still vividly remember it till today, such is the power of fear.

But of course I have come past that a long time ago. But retrospectively looking at life, I have come across some of the most defining moments, and fear following me throughout. However, what made the difference was the way I handled it to-date.

What is the worst that can happen to one, ultimately it is death. If one can accept death and does not fear the inevitable death, then there is nothing to fear, at all.

The Buddha in his teachings had emphasized the practice of Maranasati or the mindfulness of death as a way to confront and accept mortality. In the conversation between Yudishithira and Yaksha in the Mahabharatha (the episode of Yaksha Prashna), one question posed was, “What is the greatest wonder in the world?” Yudhishithira’s answer was, “Day after Day, countless creatures go to the abode of Yama (death), yet those who remain desire to live forever. This is the greatest wonder.”

According to psychologists, fear is basically an emotional response triggered by a specific perceived threat. The brain’s amygdala and hypothalamus kick in to survival mode where the body could respond in 3 ways: FIGHT, FLIGHT or FREEZE. At that point the adrenaline and cortisol rush would determine how one manages the threat. Interestingly the fear of the known seem to be easier to manage than the fear of the unknown. I guess when one is dealing with a known threat, the hindsight knowledge one has allows the person to better prepare, rationalize and cope with the impending threat. Whereas when the fear culminates from a threat that is unknown, it definitely creates uncertainty and a lack of control to the person and eventually amplifying anxiety.

Greeja and I were once caught in the Trafalgar Square, during a London Mob (it’s London, so anytime is a good time for a bovver), an experience we will never forget. It was extremely overwhelming, people running in all directions, and with both the perpetrators and enforcement personnel engaging head on. In the midst of the chaos the most likely thing that can happen is both of us may get separated, which we did for a good 5 minutes, when someone just shoved his way between us which broke our clutched hands. I turned around and within minutes Greeja was out of my sight. The fear of something happening to her made me break out in a sweat, but thank God she was pushed to a wall and I managed to reach her and we started walking the opposite direction away from the mob. But for that moment the fear of losing her engulfed me, though just minutes before we got separated we did agree, that in the event we do get separated, we will not waste our time looking for each other in the riot but will head straight to our hotel and meet up there.

Thus were some of the moments in my life where I faced some of the worst fears. But it is nothing compared to many historical figures who saw death staring straight into their eyes and yet they continued to strife to pursue their course. Alexander Solzhenitsyn who faced brutality and certain death whilst imprisoned in the Russian Gulag by the order of Stalin, continued to write exposing Stalin’s totalitarianism. Or for that matter, nothing compares to the sacrifice of Kuyili, the Commander in chief of the Udaiyal Womens Army to Rani Velu Naatchiyaar in 1780. Where Kuyili, applied ghee to her body, self-immolated and jumped into the British Ammunition depot in Sivagangga, Tamil Nadu, which gave Rani Velu Natchiyaar the advantage to defeat the British and the Nawab of Arcot. I dared not imagine what ran in the mind of Kuyili, at that moment when she decided to leap into the arsenal ablaze.